You feel like you can handle one more thing.
Just one more.
You can handle that. But you cannot speak for yourself and your attitude after that.
You’ve felt this many times, I’m sure. (I sure have – those kids, am I right?)
So – what to do about it?
We’re going to talk about yelling and how to stop the boundaries way, not the willpower way (because I’m guessing you’ve already tried the willpower).
Build your boundaries
The first thing I would suggest is to have firm, no-guilt boundaries.
Get it out of your head that you’re a bad mom for having a cutoff point.
You know what your trigger points are by now. You’re far enough into mom-hood to know this.
- It’s two hours past breakfast and I haven’t had my food yet.
- It’s been three hours and I haven’t had any quiet because they’ve been yelling or fighting for this whole time.
- I can take so much noise, aka they wanted their music blasted (it did keep them occupied), but I can’t handle the noise anymore.
There’s something that typically sets you off. A recurring trigger, again and again. (In fact, you might have several of them!)
Don’t think, “I’m such a terrible mom. I go off the handle on my kids way too much.”
No, you’re not.
Why not play active instead of reactive? Go on the offense.
Make a boundary that says, “I cannot handle their playlist on repeat for 40 minutes at full volume. I can handle it for 40 minutes at low volume, or I can take it at high volume for 10 minutes.”
And that’s your new rule around the house.
No more of this, “Well, but they’re whining and screeching for their playlist.” I know they are, but there are two parties here. You – and the kids.
And guess what – you’re the grownup, okay? It’s not going to scar them for life.
You tell them, “No, I cannot handle 40-minute-long playlists anymore.” (They may try to tell you that it will ruin their childhoods, but it won’t.)
3-2-1-Warning!
Second thing. Warn your kids ahead of time when you’re about to lose it.
Once they’re school age, they have the cognitive maturity to hear what you’re saying and adjust their behavior.
They understand.
If you say, “I am about to lose patience with you,” watch how fast they start to reform. See how fast the volume level comes down. How soon they hop to their tasks (like you told them 10 minutes ago).
When you say “I’m about to lose patience,” they know that means, “I am about to blow up on you. You still have one more chance to avoid this. If you don’t want yelling, mommy, you need to get back into good behavior mode.”
You’re saying they don’t have to be shocked at mom’s attitude out of nowhere. You’re not expecting them to read your brain. To see that you’ve reached that “one more thing” level with them.
Because here’s the problem: they don’t, okay?
Know what you need, when you hit your limits, and how to stop ahead of time.
When you’re thinking, “Can’t they see that I am so stressed? That I’m done with their shenanigans? Can’t they see that?”
Your husband might be able to observe your signs, but your kids are rarely that aware.
Why not help your kids out? Give them a warning before you blow your stack. You might not blow your stack – and you just might teach them some crucial skills along the way.
They don’t have to explode at each other. They could start warning each other, “I’m getting really mad at you.” Learning some emotional ground-work skills about how to relate to other people.
Because you know that people don’t just magically blow up out of nowhere when everything’s on a good even keel; there’s something that went into that.
Some kind of building pressure.
You’re giving your kids a look at how you short-circuit that pressure, how you stop it; how to vent it, how you let it out safely, how you warn others that you’re about to explode.
It’s not a mysterious thing to you. You can see it. It’s building.
If you clue your kids in on that, that they can tell another kid that the pressure’s building, they can start using that in their own lives.
That’s the second thing I’d do – warn them ahead of time when you know you’re “in one more thing” mode.
Know your limits & stop ahead of time
Third, I want you to build in what you need, because it’s your right to be the happiest, healthiest mom imaginable.
Guess what? It’s also their right to have the happiest, healthiest mom.
Do you think that’s going to come from letting them push you up to the edge and then right over it all the time?
No, it’s going to come from you. From having the boundaries. Operating from that center and calm.
It’s the “do I have my bucket filled?” type of living.
So what is it that you need?
- Do you need a bigger breakfast, a more consistent lunch?
- Can you just have a second cup of coffee before lunch?
- Do you need an afternoon snack?
- How many hours do you need by yourself in the afternoon?
- How many hours of diving into your hobby to refresh yourself?
- Do you need the late morning, or can you make it till afternoon?
What are the things that you need?
Because yes, we can stop short of the explosion. You can say, “I gave you the warning. I told you mommy can’t handle any more noise right now.”
And that’ll pull you back from the edge, the explosion.
But you don’t want to just stand on the edge. It’s better than going over, but you need to get back over here, where your good life is.
So what’s going to pull you back from the edge?
What’s going to do it for you?
You need to know that, and then build that into your days.
Otherwise, once your kids come out from naptime, you really aren’t any better off. You just went off and did something else that you didn’t want to do.
You had a meeting or call with a family member you didn’t want to have, and you’re still kind of riled up under the surface.
You’re still in “just one more thing” mode, except it’s gone backwards. You rewound your internal clock a bit.
Now you can handle two more things, maybe three more things, but then you’re going to be on the explosion edge again.
We don’t want that. We want you to get completely filled up, completely vented of all that.
Forget “one more thing.” Get back to where you know life is good.
So what do you need?
- Three hours of reading a book.
- Go on a walk by yourself. No little voices, no little hands. No babies to push.
- You need to be gardening. Get down in the dirt, smell the flowers, smell the soil.
- Knit, just hear the click of the needles. Feel the yarn in your fingers.
- Go to the sewing machine and create.
What would make you forget the stresses and cares?
Go do that.
How’s your day now?
Know what you really need, when you hit your limits, and plan to stop ahead of time.
Which if you think about it, it’s really a gift to them and their childhoods.
Wouldn’t they rather we listened to their playlist for 10 minutes and have that cheerful, smiling mommy, than get to listen to their music for 40 minutes and have mom yell at them the rest of the day?
I know which I’d pick if I were a kid.
